stress eating blows

Okay, I had an insanely stressful day. Everything went wrong. For some people eating is a comfort. It always has been for me. Some people like to eat salty things, like chips, when they are eating for emotional reasons. Others go for rich and creamy dairy foods and yet others seem to do a headlong dive straight into the sugar bowl. Me? I crave all of it when I'm stressed. When KARE 11 did the Extra on my story, I told Jana Shortall my favorite indulgence was a corn dog dipped in a chocolate malt (heavy on the malt syrup). I think all the bases are covered; sweetcreamysaltyrichhotdoggity goodness.

The truth is, when I'm stressed, I'll eat anything. Sure, if I happen to have access to junk food, I'll gladly alternate between Doritos and Ben and Jerry's but in reality I would eat whole grapes on white bread (and have) if that is all that is available. Gotta watch the grapes. They're slippery little suckers when the only thing holding them down is a folded slice of Wonder bread. I mean, it's not like if one of them popped out, I'd eat it off the floor (cue crickets chirping in the background).

Another thing I've learned about stress is that when you are under a lot of it, your body pumps out this hormone called Cortisol. Cortisol is like your body's life preserver, literally. When you're under stress the chemical helps you hold on to body fat right around your midsection like an inflated inner tube. Extra reserves in case you need it while harvesting grapes out of the shag rug. I've been told that my body is extra talented at holding on to body fat and if we were in a famine, I'd be one of the survivors. You have no idea how much of a relief that is to me. Now, if only there were a sudden Ice Age or a small asteroidal collision with Earth, I'd be thin!

I envy people who get stressed out and go to the gym to "work it off". Okay, I don't envy them at all. I despise them. Don't take it personally if you're one of those health freaks. I hate you. It's not a big deal. I'm not that important (but if we're in a famine, watch out because I'm pretty much guaranteed a spot among the gods and you, my friend, well...you know what happened to the Donner party).

Today I dealt with my stress by eating two handfulls of Doritos (with dip) and way too much coffee with sugar. To make up for this, I skipped lunch. And dinner. I drank right around zero ounces of water and did zero minutes of exercise. I did have a decent breakfast, however. Protein, some complex carbs and orange juice. Overall, it could have been worse, I suppose. I still think that undereating and overcaffeinating is better for weight loss than overeating and overcaffeinating.

Tomorrow when I see Chris and Steve at the clinic, I will get a lecture about how all I did was slam my body into starvation mode and shut down my fat burners, causing body fat to cling to me like dryer sheets to polyester pants. I'm not sure which sucks more, that I allowed my stress to sabotage me today or that I own polyester pants.

Chris posted on my facebook today that he thought I may have rounded a corner on the fitness thing. I wonder if he knows there is a bakery around the corner?

My daughter just teased from the living room, "Hey mom, I can hear you getting fatter!"

"Thanks, 'Tommy Boy'", I muttered. "I can hear you paying for your own car insurance and college tuition. Hope you like ramen and grape sandwiches."

Tomorrow is a new day. I can recover from this.