My Peace

Sorry I haven't updated the blog this week.  I was away for the weekend on a much needed vacation with the farmer and came home to really sick kids.  This was originally published November, 2006 but I think a lot of it that applies to this week.  Apparently I needed a refresher course on how to make peace with comfort food.  New stuff tomorrow!

It's ok to use food to comfort yourself sometimes. I did it last night. I had a very eventful and emotionally stressful day yesterday and by the end of it, I needed relief. From food.

I usually avoid eating very much late in the evenings but last night I had a huge glass of milk right before I went to bed. Not skim, either. We're big milk drinkers where I come from and I have to say, it's a very reassuring food for me. I went to bed on a full stomach which is rare these days.

I can't use food like I used to. I know that. I now reserve using food as a comfort for those times when I am having a moment of clarity and decide to do it. Like last night; I felt wiped out and strained. I told myself, "It's okay, you're inner skinned-knee toddler needs a glass of milk and a hug. Since a hug is out of the question, have a bigger glass of milk. You have my permission."

I went to bed feeling full after a long and tiring day because--I needed to. I was cradled by the feeling of fullness. I fell asleep remembering my mother lightly sweeping the bangs off of my forehead when I was a child, as my eyelids became heavy, snuggled in my bed. Now that, was comfort.

I don't indulge my emotional needs like this, every time I want to. Life is too stressful and hectic on a normal day to use food in this way any longer. I now have other outlets for relieving stress like exercise, laughter, interaction with other humans, distraction and if necessary, screaming into my pillow or crying.

Last month I was under so much pressure from various sources, I curled up in the fetal position on my bed (which I can do now!) every night for a week, and cried like a baby. I felt like I was going crazy. I mean, who does that? Then I remembered that I used to eat that stress away. That was crazy.

I nearly physically disabled myself doing that. I would have eventually killed myself doing that.

Once in awhile, I still use food as an emotional crutch. I won't lie. It will always be my favorite method of coping. I slept soundly last night (except for the two minutes it took me to go to the bathroom to pee because I drank a huge glass of milk right before bed).

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and guiltless. I hit the treadmill hard. I weighed myself and found that I'd lost a pound. I worked to stay on track today and renewed my committment to myself that I am going to make it. There is no turning back now. I've made my peace with comfort food. It serves a purpose. It has a place in my life. It just doesn't control my life anymore.