Blood, sweat and tears, heavy on the tears

Here we are again.  Another day in the life of a fat woman on a diet.

Chris and I have been locking horns this week.  He's really dissatisfied with my progress.  He's busting his hump trying to figure out why things are moving so slowly and I'm willing to admit I'm not exactly taking it easy on him.  The problem:  He thinks I should have made much more progress by now and I would like to have, but I am pleased with progress I am making.  It's progress.  It's slow, but we have managed to turn around a trend that lasted 18 months and cost me a 40+ pound setback.  The conflict stresses and frustrates me.  Him too. 

He doesn't see how I will make my goal by my birthday at this rate and it's important to him.  I don't think it's critically important to him that I actually reach the goal by February 11th, but he would like to see me make a really big move in that direction.  He wants me to be well on my way.  He is very dedicated to me and my progress and when Chris commits to something, he gives himself to it wholly.  I really love the guy for this (when I'm not despising him for other things, like kicking my butt around the clinic).

Last night we had a text message "fight".  He's going to have me undergo more exercise testing today to try and better determine what my metabolism is doing so the trainers can figure out a more precise caloric number for me to consume versus how much I burn.  I am already sick to death of the word "calorie".  I absolutely despise the micromanagement of every bite of food I'm eating.  It makes me feel like a prisoner in my own head.  (Look, if you were ever in my head you would understand it's not a place you want to be held hostage.)

This is painful on a number of levels.  No amount of quoting inspirational posters on the walls of the clinic is going to make me feel better today.  Today I feel like I'm failing.  Oddly enough, so does Chris but for different reasons.

If you have ever watched The Biggest Loser, you have probably seen the relationships that develop between the contestants and the trainers.  Often issues that don't have anything to do with diet and exercise surface and together they figure out how to remove those mental and physical blocks.  It's difficult to watch sometimes because it's just not pretty.  That's what you're witnessing here on this blog (without the television producers and editors running around behind the scenes trying to induce ample tugging of heart strings).

I'm pretty sure when I write my book, it's not going to be about the weight loss or exercise.  It's going to be about the relationship between Chris Coffey and myself.  No one has ever been this committed to me in my life.  It's pretty clear to me we are in this together and success is the only acceptable outcome. 

I just wish the process didn't have to suck so much.