A Blatant Rip-off of a Holiday Classic

(orginally published 2007)


'Twas the night after Christmas, when all through the kitchen,
No holiday treats leftover to slip in.
The apples were piled in the fruit bowl with care,
In hopes of a new smaller size that I could wear.
The veggies were nestled all snug in their bins,
While visions of grapefruit, danced without sin;
And Bo in his corner and my gear near the door,
Remind me each day to seek to be sore,
When out of my mouth comes complaint, noise and chatter,
I remind myself it's a quick slide to fatter.
Away to the gym I trudged like a troll,
Bitterly whining about the size of this toll.
The parking lot dusted with new-fallen snow
Gave rise to excuses of why not to go,
When, what to my anguished eyes should appear,
But a shadow in streetlight, of my sizable rear.
With my middle-aged butt, so lively and quick, (not what you want your butt to be--think about it)
I knew in a moment to start working out quick.
As painful as working the muscles could be
(I especially cursed resistance level 3)
"Now, biceps! now, triceps! now, crunches and lats!
Oh, torture! Oh struggle! While losing the fat!
From the start of each day! To the end of the week!
Sacrifice and effort are required to peak!
As much as it hurts to admit this is true,
There is less in the "thinking" and more in the "do".
So more of the veggies and pushing and sweat,
There's a place in my head I know I must get.
To know that these changes are lasting and real,
To know that I want them, to change how I feel.
As I drew in my gut, and was turning around,
A gasp left my throat with an unusual sound.
In the mirror, in sweats from my head to my toes,
The image I caught, though it comes and it goes,
A woman changing, improving and smaller,
Or as Julie would say, "You look a bit taller."
My eyes -- how they twinkled! My body less scary!
My face aglow, with less weight to carry!
A body image distorted, there is no way to know,
But a belief and a hope that someday that goes.
And then it was gone, in a flash back to square one,
Oh well, there's next time, and for a moment it's fun.
Reappears the broad face, the more rounded belly,
That shakes, when I laugh like a bowlful of--oh forget that, it hasn't moved like jelly in months!
I feel chubby and plump, but not a disabled old self,
And I cry when I see her, in spite of myself;
A quick blink of my eyes, and a tilt of my head,
Sighing bangs off my forehead, thinking more pain to dread;
I'm not there yet, but willing to fight,
Avoiding simple carbs, everywhere in sight,
And laying my hand on the side of my hip,
And giving a nod, and a smirk with my lip;
I pick up my stuff and silently smile,
For the steps to the goal can be measured in miles.
And I heard her whisper, the one with the insight,
"You'll get there, my dear." and I believe, she is right.

Ho Ho Blah

Here I am again, dreading doing all the things I know are good for me.  Today, I'm doing them anyway.  I'm not really sure why it's such a challenge every day.  Maybe I'm just not driven enough.  Maybe I'm not smart enough to do what's in my best interest.  Maybe I'm just an insufferable masochist.  Maybe I have a terrible attitude.  Maybe I'm afraid to actually succeed at what I've set out to do.  Maybe I just don't enjoy it and never will.

I don't know.  What I do know is that the reasons why I don't like it are no longer important.  I might never figure out why it's such a struggle.  I still have to do it.  At times like these it's probably better to just turn my brain off and stop concerning myself with the "why" and just "do".

You can chuckle to yourself as you imagine me complaining to myself, whining, raging, cussing and crying about the unbearable trek on the treadmill and how tortured I feel to have to get up and do it again today. 

My tantrum-throwing inner child wails, "Why do I have to do this?  When does it end?  When can I just loaf around and eat Christmas cookies all day in my bikini body?!"

Grow up, Pamela. 

When I committed myself to making these changes and reaching my goal, I knew it would involve taking a lot of steps, most of them on the treadmill.  I had better get moving.  If I've learned anything at all in this process, it's that the steps won't take themselves and Christmas cookies make me look more like Santa Claus than a beach bunny. 

Coping with the Holidays

During the holidays, it seems the only thing I attempt to exercise is my stress management skills, resisting temptation and managing overindulgence.  This year has been no different.  My treadmill is covered in so much dust I'm pretty sure recovery of it will require an archaeological team.  For personal reasons, I've spent very little time at the clinic and I'm sure that is not working in my favor either.

The good news?  I'm not losing ground.  The bad news?  I'm getting way too comfortable on the ground I'm currently standing on.  Time for something to change, move, bend, twist.  By "something" I mean my body.  With Christmas just ten days away, I've decided not to put off the traditional New Year's resolution.  Why wait?  It's always the same thing.  Lose weight, get into shape.

Today I'm getting on the treadmill, drinking water and eating a huge salad for lunch. I must really love Square One--because I continually return to it.

I'm curious to know what you're doing to this year to manage the holiday food, stress, temptation.  Let me know.  We're in this together.  Right up until I reach my goal, publish my book, become famous and roll around naked on my bed covered in money.

Then I don't know any of you ;)

Going forward

I tried to publish this last night but due to some technical difficulties, I guess this morning will have to suffice.  You might have wondered over the past month where I've been.  It seems like a lot longer than a month to me to be honest.

I've been trying to recover from some breakdowns; personal relationship breakdowns, financial breakdowns, motivational breakdowns.  They all blur together.  I'm not sure which one of those dominoes fell first.  

I'm not out of the woods yet in some areas, but things are better now. 

When things like this happen to me, exercise and eating right are the first things to go.  I will know I have truly made it when that is not the case.  When taking care of me isn't the first thing I abandon when things get rocky.  I'm not there yet.

So, now what?

I get up again and pick up where life left me flat on my ass.  Today I sweat.

I never said this was going to be easy for any of you to watch.

More to come.